![]() ![]() It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”~ Joan Collins Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” ~ Lt. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about.You’re going to get it anyway.” ~ Erma Bombeck It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. ![]() “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality.The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”~ Norman Wisdom “As you get older three things happen.“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”~ Groucho Marx.If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.” ~ Anonymous “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet.“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”~ Don Marquis.“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”~ Desmond Morris.“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” ~ Rose (Betty White).“Leave something for someone but don’t leave someone for something.”~ Enid Blyton.“A failure is like fertilizer it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”~ Denis Waitley.“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”~ David Lee Roth.It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”~ Dale Carnegie.“If you’re too open-minded your brains will fall out.”~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti.“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”~ Dalai Lama.“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”~ Harlan Ellison.“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”~ Ashleigh Brilliant.“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” ~ Cynthia Heimel.Naked people have little or no influence in society.” ~ Mark Twain Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”~ Cullen Hightower “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life.Now you tell me you love me, that’s why I’m scared!” ~ Anonymous “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” ~ Christopher Morley.“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” ~ Charles Wadsworth.It is already tomorrow in Australia.” ~ Charles M. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today.“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ~ Charles Lamb.“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” ~ H.L.“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”~ Walter Matthau.“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” ~ Charles de Gaulle.“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” ~ Abraham Lincoln.“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” ~ Billy Wilde.“Most people would sooner die than think in fact, they do so.” ~ Bertrand Russell.“Life is hard it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ~ John WayneĪlso Read: Sarcastic Quotes Funny Inspirational Quotes.“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Bernard Baruch.“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” ~ Benny Hill.“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin.“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant.I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” ~ W.C.There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker “ Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” ~ Anonymous.The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” ~ Ann Landers “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t.“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” ~ Casey Stengel.“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” ~ Caroline Rhea.Women marry men with the hope they will change. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change.“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”~ Eleanor Roosevelt.“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” ~ Abraham Lincoln.This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”~ Alan Dundes “People kept saying ‘Go Corona’ and it went to other countries to spread across the globe.” ~ Invajy.
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